What it's like to visit a restaurant in a foreign country with Kevin

  1. Set out to find the place. Kevin assures you that it’s not too far.
  2. Walk for 15m in scorching heat/pouring rain/war-ravaged cinderblocks.
  3. Kevin says, “Well, it’s a little further than I thought. I mean, I thought it was right here. Let’s keep going.”
  4. Walk for another 30m.
  5. Kevin says, “You know, I’ll ask one of these friendly local folks where it is.” Kevin lankily approaches a pharmacy owner or badminton player, bows/wais/nods and attempts to say the name of the restaurant, followed by a shrug/smile.
  6. After doing this 3 times, get a big smile, and then head in opposite direction.
  7. Another 10m later, and we’ve arrived!
  8. Kevin apologizes.
  9. Ordering ensues. The equation ((amount you should order) * 2.5 – (concession to Page / 2)) is used.
  10. Usually, Kevin will ask for something not on the menu and/or which is not available today. Attempt to politely negotiate at this point is attempted, which is universally unsuccessful yet humorous.
  11. Food successfully ordered. Time to cool off/dry off/remove leeches gained in process of finding restaurant. Kevin will usually lead conversation with a light discussion on space stations.
  12. Food arrives! Another table will likely have to be connected to ours to make space for the number of dishes that arrive.
  13. Kevin begins eating first dish.
  14. Moans of pleasure ensue.
  15. Continued, loud moans of pleasure happen.
  16. A few minutes in, Kevin is still loudly “Mmmmm… mmmmmm…”-ing every 45 seconds or so. Other patrons at the restaurant are looking at him.
  17. About 3/4ths of the way through the dish, Kevin wonders aloud if this might, in fact, be the best rendition of this dish available in the world. After all, we are in X, the country/place/province/cruise boat of the dish’s origin.
  18. Kevin finishes dish.
  19. 15 seconds later, Kevin gives his heartfelt description of why the dish is sublime, usually involving terms like “contrast,” “texture”, “balance,” and (Page’s favorite) “complex.”
  20. Plate pushed away, Kevin settles into his chair.
  21. Kevin waits patiently.
  22. After 1m30s, Kevin becomes twitchy.
  23. At 2m15s, Kevin finally breaks down and asks Page what she thought of the dish. “It’s OK if you don’t have an opinion yet.”
  24. Rest of meal is finished in a similar fashion. Time ambles by.
  25. Meal is complete.
  26. Pay bill. Kevin attempts to thank servers for his ridiculous behavior in a culturally sensitive way.
  27. Exeunt.
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